In Bed With the President

These Candidates (and Obama!) Can Get Kinky

NorthWest Wing | Cody Shallow | March 4, 2016

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It is no secret that politicians not only love to have sex, but also have a tendency to get caught having sex with people who are not their significant others. The sex drive of famous political figures and presidential candidates is undoubted, but also thoroughly unexplained. In such an awful race thus far full of terrible candidates and even worse media coverage, it is important to shed light on otherwise minor details in the lives of politicians.

Have you ever wondered what Donald Trump did in the bedroom? I’d hope not, and to save you from experiencing that thought, here’s a list of possible sexual kinks by famous politicians and presidential candidates.

Chris Christie: Role Playing

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is known to explore the personalities of different professions and roles. Some of his favorite roles to act out during sex are teacher, doctor, pizza man, Trump supporter, Centrist, and a good governor! If you find yourself dealing with a kinky situation involving this jolly fellow, be careful! If he doesn’t get the role he wants, he might just shut down the George Washington Bridge until he gets his way.

Donald Trump: Pony Play

If you ever walk in on Trump dressed up as a cowboy and Melania suited in a horse costume, fear not! Even if the man loves to act as though he controls the horse, we all know the horse has full control over him. You know, like Microsoft controls Obama! There’s no question that Trump got this idea from seeing Russian President Vladmir Putin on a horse too many times. What is with this trend of oppressive, bigoted leaders and riding horses?

Hillary Clinton: BDSM (Dominant)

There is no doubt on Earth that Hillary Clinton is the most power-hungry human in America. Whips, chains, cuffs, the whole nine yards! But, don’t you dare ask her to submit, because this woman has the determination to break through metal handcuffs, reassemble them, handcuff you, then rob your home and get away with it. But you know what? No one is ever going to find out. If they do, she’ll make everyone forget about it…and there’s nothing you can do but hope the Republicans ask for her emails about it.

Ted Cruz: Foot Fetish

This is the most obvious one, even if I don’t know how to explain it. When it comes to word association, Ted Cruz and Feet go hand in hand. I think it’s his face? I can’t say I’ve ever gotten a whiff of Ted, but if I could, I’d bet he probably smells like a foot too.

Bernie Sanders: Damsel in Distress

When student loans and income inequality become a mess, Bernie’s here to save the ‘damsel in distress.’ The man is built to run to the rescue with a quick plan, so it’s no wonder the middle class run down by Wall Street gets his gears going! Hopefully the 1% pays their taxes so whatever plan Bernie has will come to fruition. Otherwise, there will be no Bernie in shining armor here to save us from paying for college.

John Kasich: Missionary

The simplest way to engage for the simplest man in the race, because anything more and he might get too confused to continue having sex. “Remember how it all started, guys?” Kasich yells. “Remember when Trump’s businesses failed?” responds Marco Rubio.

Ben Carson: Massages

Those magical hands send anyone into another universe of pure pleasure and love. His smooth voice and pure knowledge of the human body make his massages one of a kind. Although I hear he tends to fall asleep shortly into any massage, so make sure to “attack” him every fifteen minutes or so.

Barack Obama: Exhibitionist

At this point in time, President Obama could not care less about what people think of him. He’s on his way out, finally! With such a free spirit, don’t be surprised to catch him and Michelle on the south lawn every now and then.