Living in Sexile

Seven Simple Rules for Sex on Campus

Capital Campus | Megan Adams | February 29, 2016

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While your roommate may very well end up as the maid of honor in your wedding, we all know that’s not always how it goes. On top of the constant battle over the thermostat and the urge to leave passive aggressive notes about her dishes and laundry, there comes the complex predicament that is sex on campus.

You supposedly have all the freedom in the world—your days of the “talk” and an open door rule with your parents are over—but you do have to respect the fact that you now share a room with another human who probably doesn’t want to wake up to you having sex with some stranger above them when they have an 8:55 . The good news is, if you’ve been the sad soul on that bottom bunk, you’re not alone. If you’ve been the person on the top bunk, this list is for you:

  1. You may share snacks and laundry detergent but you don’t need to share everything.

“One time I brought a guy home and he tried to hook up with my roommate instead.”

“My freshman year roommate dropped her used condom on my bed. While I was happy for the two of them that they were being safe, I really didn’t need to be involved.”

  1. Respect the fact that unlike your boyfriend, your roommate pays rent.

“My roommate’s weird ass boyfriend literally moved in with us and slept over for 2-3 nights in a row for weeks. They would whisper baby talk to each other before falling asleep when he would snore all night… above me. I started changing in front of him and he, and his constant chemistry jokes, eventually left.”

  1. If you absolutely must be the worst roommate ever, BE QUIET.

“I’m in an apartment with my own room but once my roommate had sex with her door open so we heard everything. Balls to the ass everything.”

  1. If you get away with being the worst roommate ever, keep it to yourself.

“Last year my roommate had a girl over and gave her head while I was sleeping. Luckily I’m a heavy sleeper, but then she told me.” 

  1. Don’t live with someone who’s bat shit crazy. 

“A month into the semester, my friend came to visit me for the weekend. She had a boyfriend that she just started dating a few weeks before over the summer who went to school a few hours away. We went out to a frat party that night and she had gotten pretty drunk.

I was seeing a guy at that time, so I went to sleep in his room while my friend from home slept in mine by herself. At 3 am I received a text from my friend saying “holy shit. I was just woken up by ***** having sex with a random ass guy in your room.” The window was open so the light from outside allowed her to see EVERYTHING.

The next morning she played it off like nothing had happened but that night, her boyfriend came to surprise her. I got pretty drunk that night and outside our room with paper-thin walls, I told my floor mates the story, which she and her boyfriend heard all of. The following morning, she threatened to move out and told me to text her boyfriend to tell him that I had made the whole thing up. They are still together and very happy. I moved out the following semester.”

  1. When you’re caught, just admit it.

“Once I walked in on my roommate. Only after 5 minutes did he tell me there was someone in the room. She was hiding under his sheets. I’d changed into my pajamas and everything by then.”

  1. It goes both ways. Don’t make your roommate force you into bottom bunk hell.

“My roommate never leaves the room. Ever. I am a decent human being so I would never have sex with her in the room but it’s not fair- it just means that I never have sex.”