How to Freak Out Tour Groups

Show Those Newbs What's Up

Sex, Drugs, Wonk & Roll | Emily Langlois | April 21, 2016 SATIRE

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It’s about that time at AU… cherry blossoms came and went, tipsy and overworked undergrads have crowded the quad, and prospective students are beginning to check out the campus.

Of course I am only a lowly freshman who never got the chance to tour AU, so I might be speaking out of context, but there’s something incredibly annoying about being ogled at by apathetic high schoolers and their already overly-judgemental parents like we’re damn ZOO ANIMALS.

Whenever a large tour group passes me, the only form of rebellion I can think to display is staring straight at them  (I imagine this makes me look more crazed than intimidating). So, for all of you Rival readers who feel similarly towards our potential classmates, I figured that I would come up with some more creative ideas to freak them out: 

1. *based on a true story* Throw up in front of/on themDirectly after, quietly whisper “you’re going to have to get used to a lot of this in college.”

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2. Join the funJump right in the group and make up an identity for yourself. My go-to alias is Sarah from Delaware. Be THAT PERSON in the tour group: ask way too many irrelevant questions, try to make friends with all of the parents, and talk extensively about your upcoming trip to Europe after graduation. 

3. Speaking of making friends with parents, go up to a dad and plant one on ‘emAssert your dominance as a sweet young thang and show those wine moms who really deserves to be on the other end of that joint account.

4. Throw a football at them and yell “D1, baby!”Prepare them for the thriving spirit surrounding AU Athletics. Once an Eagle, always an Eagle!

5. Go up to that one girl who thinks she’s really hot and offer her a spot in your elite stripper networkLet her know that she should probably just give up now and save the trouble of her first finals week.


6. Tell them the horror story of the pee smell in the Letts elevatorsMake sure to wear a cloak and hold a flashlight under your chin. *DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL AND HAPPENING IN LETTS RIGHT NOW PLS HELP US LOL*

7. Ask them to join your “Justice for Genitals” protest on acquiring 2-ply toilet paperGive them a “flyer” written on the disgraceful sandpaper we have to use now.

8. Convince them that you’re a reliable heroin dealerBy them I mean the parents, not the prospective students. You KNOW Karen really needs to chill out and “chase the dragon” as the kids say.

9. Stage a murder sceneCraft a dead body with paper mache made from old syllabi and declare the cause of death “Finals Week.”

10. Tell them how much tuition isIf that doesn’t send them running, nothing will.

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