Freshman Confessions

AU Students Tell All.

Sex, Drugs, Wonk & Roll | Maria Kogan | April 13, 2016

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As my freshman year of college here at American University comes to a close, I’ve begun to spend a lot of time reflecting (aka procrastinating). Thinking back about my year so far, I’ve realized I did a lot of crazy shit (that’s what college is for, right?), and that has prompted me to ask the question: What fucked up things have other people done their freshman year?

So, I posted a survey with two questions: your preferred nickname (or option to stay anonymous), and a spot for your story.

Here are the results. This is some weird stuff you guys. From a weeknight foursome involving fratcest to getting it on at nearly every monument with your significant other, you guys are a bunch of freaks. You’ve been forewarned. Enjoy!

 

SECTION 1: SUBMISSIONS WITH NICKNAMES

“My frat bro invited me to his fuck buddy’s apartment on a Tuesday, and I went over with no intentions for that night, but needless to say, one bottle of wine, and two bottle of Burnett’s later we ended up in her bedroom with another girl. We began playing a drinking game, which of course involved removing our clothes. 5 minutes in we were all in nothing but our underwear, and my brother asked me if I had ever been with a guy before, to which I said ‘No.’ He asked me to make out with him, to which I did. After the awkwardness abated, he began to make out with his fuck buddy’s friend, and I with his fuck buddy. We then all wound up on the bed and proceeded to have sex. Somehow afterward, they were able to help me get my clothes on and walk me back to Anderson, where drunk me made quite the fall, and woke my RA up, who now knew I got drunk on a Tuesday.”                

  -Tuesday Foursome

“So my boyfriend is visiting from my home state (Minnesota so you know it’s commitment), and he has yet to go see the monuments. No surprise, we got outrageously drunk and headed to the National Mall. Naturally we did what you do at 2 am sitting on the steps in front of Abe: sloppily make out. Being the type A, anal retentive bitch that I am, I packed a small CVS Family Planning section in my purse, including: 4 condoms and 3 packets of lube (thanks wellness cabana, I will forever grab handfuls of that lube without shame). We made use of all condoms and lube packets next to Abe, the Washington Monument, and next to the World War II Memorial (sorry Grandpa). Best moment? Riding dick while facing FDR. I know he would be proud.”

-That girl who says she’s gay but then fucks guys???

“We made anti masturbation signs for the bathroom because a kid kept coming in and jerking off.”

-Letts 6 Men

“drunkenly stripped in lounge and watched tv alone.”

-Drunk Jimmy Rollins

“I stole: a router, an Irish drinking hat, a Boston Bruins hat, a $80 bottle of cologne, a large framed picture of Venice, a bottle of country comfort whisky, 2 pot brownies, a Swiss Army knife, a bottle of melatonin, dozens of beers, and an electric razor from an undisclosed frat during this school year.”
-anonymous frat boy

“I gave a guy a blowjob in the 6s centennial study lounge as a break between homework #multitasking”

-Centennial Slut

“On the first day of school I was terrified to go to the bathroom because I didn’t want to go next to people and didn’t know where the bathroom was. So eventually I really had to shit, I finally found the bathroom (which was only 10 steps away from my room) and went. I had so much pent up that I clogged the toilet and immediately ran away and told an RA that I found it like that. I told my mom because I was freaking out and she told her friends…. FML”

-:(

“My roommate lived on the top bunk and I lived on the bottom bunk. She was sleeping with our next door neighbor (#floorcest). One time I was taking a nap and I woke up because the whole bed was shaking…. they were having sex on the top bunk while I was under them. Super gross. I detripled.”

-Terrible Triple

“There were a bunch of potatoes in the ATV studio one night, so I took as many as I could carry in my arms and booked it back to my dorm. I got a few weird looks, because I was running with an armful of potatoes. As of now I plan to share my bounty with the rest of my floor when I cook them in various ways all at once.”

-PotatoHumanPerson

“I fell for the guy who lived across the hall from me. We actually started hooking up the first month of school but OBVIOUSLY it didn’t end well and I had to see him every day for the rest of the year….I feel like this happens to every freshmen. The Floorcest will get you.”

-Poor Sad First Semester Girl

“I went to TDR without swiping in”

-Charles I

“Had to take an uber like 3 blocks back to campus because I was rolling in the street and somersaulting in the middle of the road. I have a scar from where I cut my hand doing it.”

-drunk mess

 

SECTION 2: SUBMISSIONS DEEMED “ANONYMOUS”

Whether you just aren’t creative and couldn’t think of a nickname or you’re just a wimp and afraid somebody will be able to hunt you down via afore-mentioned nickname (trust me, we could if we really wanted to), here’s where your submission lies if you chose to go by anonymous. Probably a good choice, after reading some of these.

“A guy ten years older than me on tinder offered to pay me $150 if I let him eat my ass. I did.”

“I worked 30+ hours a week, studied, and didn’t break the law. If you ask any college student, this life was unbearable, but I survived miraculously.”

“I went through a binge in the beginning of the school year that included sleeping with the founder of a very popular app and a lobbyist amongst other people, hooking up in a doctor’s office, lying about my age more times than I could count, smoking spice, and I also dropped eight pounds.”

“I slept with the two boys living next door to me and then had a threesome with them in their room”

“Once while my ex and I were having sex, he came on my roommate’s blanket. We never washed it. It’s revenge for all of the cookies she’s stolen from me.”

“One time I had sex on the roof of Bender Arena”

“I had 15 drinks at a Halloween party, got sick in the bathroom, then came back to the dorm and passed out in front of the vending machines”

“Within the span of three days I had sex with two of my coworkers, one who was 32 and a father, and the other who was 24 and is now my boyfriend… neither of them know about the other.”

“These both happened back in September, on the same night:
-Roommate walked in on a girl sitting on my face
-Got so high that I fainted in the LA Quad”

“It was a great Friday night and we were coming back from a frat party. The bus was taking FOREVER and I really had to pee. It was around 1am and I waited with my friends for 20 minutes! I kept thinking to myself… just make it back to anderson hall. There came a point where I just couldn’t hold it anymore. You know those questionable brick planters. I popped a squat and peed in it. #whoops”

“I snuck into the Dav at 3am”

And, my personal favorite:

“I hate you.” Nice one, bud.

 

BONUS SECTION: THE RIVAL STAFF

Before even beginning this article, I posted in our staff group asking for submissions. And the stuff I got as a result in the comments section, you wouldn’t believe. Well actually, now you will, because I literally copy pasted the stories I got and here they are. If you know somebody who writes for The Rival, they might have been responsible for one of the following stories. Yikes.

“I didn’t turn up at all”

“It was Freshman Service Experience. I woke up in my own throw up but felt too guilty to miss my second day. I ended up handing out flyers for a charity, still drunk till noon.”

“idk if this is a fuck up but i take two ply toilet paper from frat houses sometimes im sorry im a sinner”

“I once projectile vomited in a karaoke bar after singing ‘Hey now!’ from the Lizzie Mcguire movie. I then ran off and got a cab with a few friends while the rest of our friends cleaned it up. Also: I was walking back to Letts and I was like very drunk so I stopped in front of MGC and just pulled my pants down and started peeing (wtf) And then I looked up at there were like a dozen people staring at me asking me if I was okay. I just picked up my subway and walked away.”

“I had sex on the floor of the handicapped bathroom of Clark Hall”

“My very first college class ever, I arrived and spilled my coffee all over the table, and then later in this class the teacher told me I was in the wrong class, in the wrong building. So I went over to my actual class, and the teacher there docked me points because she thought I was just late. Great first day! I was also insanely hungover for my UC trip to a Zoroastrian Festival. I learned that Vodka is not my forte.”

“Once rode the staircase of a frat from top to bottom on my ass, got up and proceeded to pour myself another drink