It’s late on Friday night, and you and eight friends are gathered in your 15’8″ x 9’11.25″ room trying to create what resembles a circle on the floor to play a nice, relaxing game. But what it really turns into is a scathing game of Cards Against Humanity, with no one caring how to measure a proper shot and two people on the bunk asking you pass up and down cards for every goddamn play they make while trying to get people to stop opening the door so you don’t get caught with booze. Yeah, real relaxing.
Anyway, you only need to win one more round to be able to kick everyone out and spend the night the way you really want: Watching the latest season of House of Cards. You draw a new card and… fuck. That dreaded blank card. Don’t pretend like you don’t put them back in the pile when no one’s watching. You’re more creative than that. Or, if you really aren’t witty enough, just take a look at this year’s election for the perfect inspiration: Donald Drumpf. Anything he says is the perfect amount of nonintellectual, blunt, racist, mock-worthy bias to win a game that rewards people on how disturbing they are. Just use some of these quotes to win your game, and get going on watching your beloved House of Cards.
- What will always get you laid?
- “…part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”
- Why can’t I sleep at night?
- “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
- What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?
- “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
- Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to______.
- “Unite to win. Divide to conquer.
- ________. It’s a Trap!
- “I don’t have a racist bone in my body.”
- What is George W. Bush thing about right now?
- “If Hillary can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?”
- What did I bring back from Mexico?
- “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall.”
- When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate____.
- When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of _____.
- “Make Donald Drumpf Again!”
Now go kick everyone’s drunk asses out and finish your beer while wishing you had the option to write in Underwood on your ballot.