Hey mom and dad! How have you been? I’m fine, it’s 4pm on a Wednesday and I’m just chilling in my pajamas, hanging out with my Sims family (one of whom just passed away, RIP Dan Ballz). I’ve been thinking, and there are some things I would like to get off my chest. As a child/teen, I wasn’t an angel (we all remember the beer-bra Summerfest incident of 2012, where you had to drive two hours to pick me and the gals up from music festival jail), but there are some things I have yet to tell you. Let’s start with the small stuff:
THAT TIME I EXPERIMENTED WITH METH:
Just kidding, I’ve never tried meth. See, it could be worse.
THE GREAT TOMATO CAN MYSTERY:
It was 2008, and I was a shy 13-year-old. At the height of my awkwardness, I decided I wanted to start working out. So every morning, I would wake up early and do those On-Demand work out videos. You know, the ones where Jillian Michaels and her dead-eyed minions yell at you in their glorified underwear. Well, I didn’t have any hand-weights, so naturally, I would use these giant cans of tomatoes from my pantry. I don’t think I understood the concept of weight, because these cans were only about half a pound each, tops. I imagined myself getting ripped a la Hulk Hogan, maybe even bursting out of my Hollister shirt with my enormous biceps. This did not happen.
Anyways, instead of putting them back in the pantry, I would leave them on our mantle. Every morning. My family would come down and find them, wondering where they came from. I would sit there, not only pretending that I did not place the tomato cans on the mantle, but blaming it on my poor father, saying he did it while sleep walking. And get this, my whole family believed me. This was pure psychotic behavior. I’m surprised I’m not currently sitting in a cellar making a lamp out of human skin (or am I?). So yeah, I am the tomato can bandit. After seven long years of wondering, the mystery has been solved. Sorry dad.
MY BROTHER, THE DOLL:
This one is pretty self explanatory. My little brother, sweet, simple, naive James, functioned as a what was essentially a live Bratz doll for some time back in 2005. It started off innocent enough, my older brother Will and I took James to our mom’s bathroom and told him we were going to put something on his face that would keep him young forever. And, he believed us. What an idiot (love you James xoxoxoxo kisses). We covered his face in lipstick and bronzer, eyeliner and eyeshadow. As time went on, the stakes became higher. I would do not only his makeup, but his hair and his outfits. I would do photo shoots on my super cool Flip Camera. And throughout all of this, I can only assume I severely scarred my little brother. #isittoolatenowtosaysorry.
My family had this amazingly beautiful and disgusting 2002 Ford Windstar minivan for many years, and boy did I make use of it (no, not in a sexual way, get your mind out of the gutter). I used it to take my drivers test (fun fact: I failed my drivers test the first time I took it because I “tried to drive into oncoming traffic”) and when I finally got my license, was made aware of the fact that for my first year of driving, legally I could only have one guest in the car. Of course, the moment I dropped my parents off at home, I went and picked up six of my best friends #shoutouttoDEEB. We drove to the town over and bought ice-cream—it was crazy.
But this is just the beginning of adventures in the van. My favorite shenanigan in this majestic vehicle occurred about a month after I got my license. I picked up those same six ladies in my sick ride, and we decided to play a game called padiddle. For those of you who don’t know, padiddle is a game where you drive around and look for burnt out headlights, and when you see the burnt out headlight you hit the ceiling and and scream—you guessed it—“padiddle”. The last person to punch the ceiling has to take off an article of clothing. So, after roughly an hour of playing this game, we decided the natural next step would be to go streaking at the baseball fields in town #justgirlythings. Because we were very, very dumb. Long story short, we ended up sitting on the side of the road while the cops searched my car for illicit substances. Little did they know we were weird enough to do this completely sober.
DAD! PANERA POISONED ME:
It was the summer before senior year of high school, and on this particular night, I was like very very very VERY drunk. I had consumed about half a bottle of fireball whisky, and I can only assume my body was angry at me for putting this awful, antifreeze-filled substance in it. I did not know my limits, and by the end of the night I had become immobilized. Like a helpless baby, I curled myself around the downstairs toilet, vomiting up the not one, but two meals I had consumed at Panera that day. My brothers left me to drown in my own sorrow, and I fell into a peaceful sleep
Unfortunately, that sleep was interrupted at about 3:00am by the sound of my father asking why I was sleeping in the bathroom. “IM sewww sicK,” I slurred. “I thnk I got food Poisoning from Panerea mock n cheese. Panerea poisond me DAD.”
Well, I assume you already knew this, because you are a smart man, but I was not poisoned by Panera, I was just very intoxicated. Love you!
THERE YOU HAVE IT:
Now everything’s out there. I love you mom and dad, with all my heart. Please don’t disown me.
BONUS: RIVAL STAFF CONFESSIONS:
After writing my own confession, I figured I’d get some anonymous confessions from the weirdest, most fucked-up group of people I know—the staff of The Rival. Here are some of my favorites:
“I am high literally every time my parents take me out to dinner”—Chestysweetnipz69
“One time I faked sick and left a lunch with my mom to hook up with a Grindr date in the bathroom”—Bholesurfer69
“Had sex in my dads wine cellar the night after I had a party where I broke their chandelier”—MurrayKate&Ashley69
“When I was little my dad was pissing me off, so I put a bunch of laxatives in his coffee. I was very spiteful as a child”—Firecroch69
“When I was really young we were at my dad’s best friend’s house and I accidentally pooped on the bathroom mat. I didn’t know what to do so I just folded the mat on top of it and left like nothing happened”—DickHurtz69
“I kissed my God-brother once”—Ihaveherpes69