It was revealed earlier today that Donald Drumpf’s terrifying presidential run has actually just been an extended, well-planned episode of Ashton Kutcher’s Punk’d.
The 69 year-old human troll doll/ ear of partially-shucked corn has allegedly been in cahoots with Ashton Kutcher for years. Together, the two masterminds created a plan that fooled just about everybody.
The two seemed almost shocked that they were able to keep the charade going for as long as they did. “We didn’t think anyone would actually believe this was real,” Kutcher said. “We couldn’t believe when Donald’s support started growing. Every week we’d have Donald say something crazier and more offensive. We literally had a dart board with offensive things and we’d just close our eyes and see what we hit. Honestly, it was hilarious. This might go down in history as one of the best episodes of Punk’d ever, and we once convinced Taylor Swift that she set a boat on fire.”
When we reached Drumpf for a comment, he seemed similarly amused. “Honestly, I am very much looking forward to when the episode premieres. I cannot believe we fooled everyone. C’mon, what kind of monster thinks he can target an entire religious group and then kick them out of the country? That’s insane. Me as president? That would be crazy, I have like zero qualifications! But I do want to clarify that I was not ‘punking’ you when I said I would sleep with Ivanka if she weren’t my daughter. Perfect face, perfect body, she really is beautiful.”
The two men seemed relieved their secret was finally revealed to the public, as it had been going on for years. According to an inside source, there were many more “events” planned. “At the next debate we thought about having Donald pull his dick out on live television and scream ‘WHITE POWER,'” the source said. “But then we thought, based on our track record, it would probably just make him more popular.”
The Rival went deeper into Donald and Ashton’s plans for the coming months. “We thought maybe, if we got closer to the election and Donald was on-track to win, we might have him murder someone, maybe even an entire family. Then, if he were convicted of murder, maybe the American public wouldn’t elect him. Like, this man can’t actually be president! But, we weren’t sure if it would damage his reputation enough. We were cutting it too close. Thank god we were found out.”
According to MTV, the episode will be released on May 22nd at 2pm and will be followed immediately by the premier of Real Housewives of the Berkshire season 13. Mark your calendars!