You’ve asked, we’ve answered. My first article of college confessions was only freshmen, but this article is double trouble, as the submissions page was open to all students. The idea was pretty straight forward: I asked you to submit your college confessions to me. And boy, did I feel like a priest listening to your sins. Some of these are OFF the CHAIN. Y’all need Jesus, and I’m a Jew. I mean, Get a grip people, this is all some really weird and gross stuff. But good for you I guess. At least you’re having fun, right?
I’ve taken the liberty of organizing the submissions into three sections: storytime, sexytime, and WTFK (who the fuck knows). BONUS: I am involved with and/or responsible for 3 (that’s right, 3) of these confessions. Guess which ones.
SECTION 1: STORYTIME
Here are the submissions that were full-blown paragraphs, with plenty of detail. If you want your day’s worth of horror stories, here they are.
“It was a Monday night. Like any good friend, I went to dinner to celebrate a friend’s birthday and ended up drinking wine. A lot of wine. Probably too much for a Monday night. I went back to my dorm, pretty drunk, and promptly went to a meeting with my TA, because I had a paper due the next day. Thanks to my procrastination, I had basically not started my paper. And so, I had in depth meeting with my TA, and then stayed up until 4am writing a paper while extremely wine drunk. I got an 88 on the paper. “
-the hottest mess
“So awhile back, I went to a party at one of my friend’s houses and got really drunk. I was only there until like 11 pm that night, and when I was getting ready to leave, I got a text from one of my friends. She also goes to AU, but she had a connection to a UMD party. She asked if I wanted to go, and of course drunk me was all over it. So I got back to AU at around 12:30 and we got in an uber and headed to UMD. We got to the house, and 30 minutes, 3 cups of jungle juice, and 2 hookups later, someone threw a bottle of wine at a car outside and shut down the party. My friend dragged me out of the house, and we started walking all over Maryland, aka the woods surrounding UMD. We had NO idea where we were going and both of our phones were at a solid 5%, but we decided to try to find another party. When 2:30 AM rolled around we realized that there was no way we would be getting into a party, so we continued walking and for some reason we stopped at a building. At this point it’s almost 3AM and I really have to pee. I look at my friend and tell her this, and then I proceeded to pee in a bush outside this random building, and she did the same. Keep in mind that this is a PUBLIC place and a building that definitely had cameras, but drunk me was fearless and full of pee so I went for it. At the end of the night, we called an uber that I proceeded to fall asleep in, and I woke up the next morning at 2PM. What a night. “
-The Bushes of Maryland
“On New Year’s Eve, I took the honor of buying a bottle of Veuve Cliquot for myself, respectively chugged the whole thing, then proceeded to refill my empty bottle with vodka at a frat party and sipped on that for the remainder of my night, had prescription drugs forced down my throat by a sorority alum (panhel love!), and ended up giving a 24 year old an OTPHJ while telling him about how much I love the GOP. Woke up the next morning with a $90 uber receipt in my e-mail. Moral of the story: don’t listen to rappers when they talk about how cool codeine is, it will make you blackout and not remember yelling about how much you love Donald Trump.”
“I went to a frat party pretty cross faded. The next thing I knew, I was in a laundry room making out with this guy. Things were getting pretty hot and heavy, to the point where he wanted to go back to his room. At first I agreed and followed him up the stairs and into the living room. Then, I was hit with a serious wave of the munchies. All I wanted in that moment was a poptart, but not just any poptart, the Sundae one. Without a moment’s hesitation, I ducked and army crawled my way out of the frat. Once I burst through the door, I literally ran a mile and a half to the Eagles Nest where I stocked up on my beloved poptarts. I got back to my room, sat on my bed, and enjoyed the blissful taste of a mediocre dessert. A few minutes later, my neighbor came knocking on my door, he told me that the guy I had been hooking up with was looking for me. I simply held up my half consumed poptart and said “But… I have a poptart”, he quickly left after that. And I have no regrets.”
-Food > Guys!
“So, I joined a fraternity during freshman year, best decision ever. Parties, philanthropies, brotherhood, it’s all awesome. However, going into it, i did not know how much booze would be “too much” booze. So, fast forward a couple weeks, and I’m at my first Grab a Date (from now on referred to as a GAD) with some poor girl I had met earlier that day. We went ice skating and she got to see me do my best Bambi impression, and we were both having a pretty solid night. Later on, were back out the house, party is starting and we have a fifth of whiskey. Specifically, Seagram’s Seven Crown, Canadian Whiskey, 40% alcohol, cheap as fuck. She asked me to pour about 3 shots with into a solo cup for her, but i was just pulling out of the bottle, no chaser because I’m a goddamn man (warning, not always a goddamn man). Fast forward about an hour, we’re playing Jenga (great party game btw) and I’ve got about 2 shots-worth left in my bottle, then BOOM. I wake up, upstairs. Hard blackout in the middle of Jenga. I wake up in only my khakis (frat af, right?) with no shoes, shirt, hat, phone, wallet or keys. I later find everything, it’s all clean, and there was an effort box next to me. I’m thinking “hell yeah, no vomit!” Psych, there was vomit. Turns out I had finished the bottle, passed out on the bathroom floor up against the door, puked all over myself, and had to be cleaned and carried upstairs. Mind you, I’m a big guy. 5’10” and 265lbs, played football for 10 years and an avid weightlifter. It took 3 guys to budge the door open, 5 to carry my lump carcass upstairs, and only one to ruin my date’s night (hint: me). I’ve not spoken to or seen her since. “
“Last semester my friend and I decided to go to an EI party. Big mistake. We were stuck in there for almost an hour while they waited to see if the cops were gonna bust all of us. Well let me tell you it was hotter than a freaking jungle in there. So I did what any sensible person would do right? I opened the fridge at the frat house and stuck my face inside. Some random guy followed our lead and said how smart we were for doing that, but that wasn’t even the most clever thing we did that night. My friend decided to steal a funnel from the house. “Fuck them I’m stealing their funnel!”, she declared. Thank god I had a purse so we could just shove it in there. After we finally got out of that hell hole, we enjoyed some blueberry pancakes at Steak n Egg. Moral of the story: stealing a funnel is fun because why not live a little and fuck EI.”
-Girl who stole a funnel and shoved it in her purse at a shitty frat party with her friend
SECTION 2: SEXYTIME
This section is all stuff sex-related, so if you submitted anything frisky or know a friend who did, it’s probably here. Honestly, most of these are just gross. I guess as long as you have safe sex, you can do it wherever you want. A frat bathroom though? Really? Come on.
“During welcome week, I was casually hooking up with two guys respectively named Georgetown Tyler and GW Tyler. Still looking for my AU Tyler ;)”
-Washington Consortium Slut
“Fucked a guy in the basement bathroom at a frat house. It was as vile as you can imagine but #dicktoobomb”
-What Happens in the Basement Stays in the Basement
“Whenever the guys on my floor get drunk, we all just start making out, giving blow jobs, and having sex. Even the straight ones. There is no chill on my floor.”
“My (now) ex-boyfriend lived off campus and one weekend we were in his room gettin’ it on, when some of his housemate’s friends came snooping around and opening doors they shouldn’t have, including his. They didn’t even close the door right away, as it took them a second to realize they were staring at my boyfriend’s ass. Lesson learned, we started locking the door even when we were just watching movies.”
-Caught In The Act
“My boyfriend and I were both high and horny and had sex in the bathroom while his roommate was right outside the bathroom”
“had sex in berks parking lot”
“I spend most of my time jacking off in the bathroom.”
“I’ve had more sex in my room while my roommate was asleep than I have when she’s not there…this is true for both freshman and sophomore years, two different roommates.”
-Quiet As A Mouse
“My freshman year, when my professor at the time asked me what I liked so much about writing, I may or may not have heavily implied I had an affair with my senior English teacher in high school.”
BONUS SECTION: Who the Fuck Knows
This is all the shit I couldn’t label or organize. I dunno. Here. Just read it.
“Freshman year Welcome Week one of my roommates threatened to report me missing to public safety if I didn’t check in with her before convocation because she hadn’t seen me in a couple days. Wasn’t my fault she slept nearly half the day so we weren’t in the room at the same time.”
-Don’t Put My Face on a Milk Carton
“I made out with a fellow Rival staff member at a party once, #noregrets”
“I once drunkenly peed on a snowman in front of Ward”
-I’m sorry Frosty
“My roommate gave me laced weed my third week at AU and the four horsemen of the apocalypse visited me in my room.”
-I don’t smoke with him anymore
“Every time I get really drunk I have a habit for stealing things… Bottles of vodka from frats, other people’s jackets, food from Eagle’s Nest, a chair from a northside lounge, someone’s virginity…..”
“This all happened when I was blackout. I have no recollection of this and just know from people retelling the night. First, I loudly exclaimed that I wanted every lesbian in the room to kiss me (they all did) then, I gave my friend a GIANT burn on the neck from a cigarette (accidentally!). To top it all off, I completely ignored one of my friends unless she referred to herself in the third person as “Ted Cruz.” 🙁 “
“I found a sugar daddy way older than me but free things are free things”
-poor and desperate student #273
Let me just say, I respect about 2% of these–the rest I just kind of shudder at. Oh well. I hope that none of these confessions ever slip out in a drunken haze at the dinner table, for the sake of you and your futures. Summer is almost here, so time to be even more ratchet. Get down, get dirty, and come back in the fall semester with new confessions for us. Thanks for submitting, and thanks for reading!