Anonymous Submissions: Part One

Y'all are Fucked Up

Sex, Drugs, Wonk & Roll | The Rival | March 1, 2016

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Lost my virginity on my ex boyfriend’s couch. He had a dog. A big, black, and extremely hairy dog. I turn over and my ex starts cracking up… I have dog hair caked all in my buttcrack.

My first sexual experience involved me, my bunk bed, him and my teeth…. enough said.

I had sex with my boyfriend while we were camping and we were in the same tent as his entire sleeping family

I was having sex with this guy on a dirty couch in a frat house basement. It was going pretty well, until he needed to find a condom. He had to run upstairs and find one while I lay there butt naked on a coat we put down for protection from the germs of the couch. When he came back, I sat on top of him, straddling him, while he put the condom on. Five minutes later I asked him why it was taking so long to put the condom on, his response: “I’ve been inside of you for 5 minutes now.” Poor boy was so poorly endowed. Needless to say that ended right then and there and I had him drive me to another house to fuck someone else #noshame

the rival sucks

I think almost every person who knows me knows this story, but it’s a good one. First date I ever went on. Ninth grade, I’m super weird, we see GI-Joe. He’s literally terrified the whole movie.

Things start off awkward with me having to squeeze his hand while he covered his eyes at the “scary scenes.” So movie ends, and his mom brings us back to his place. Chillin’ in the basement, things progress yada yada and then I’m blowin’ him.

We go through the ~motions~, and as he’s ~finishing the deed~ he puts his hand on the back of my head… and farts. Within the next few days I developed pink eye. And then I broke up with him.

Fast forward two years, never given a blowjob since, and I’m finally coming around to telling the story because, like, I was **traumatized**. Here’s me, telling that story to a kid who I was crushing on, and later that night we ended up hooking up. Lo and behold, midway through the blowie he farts. Completely mortified, he gives a weak little apology and asks, “so, I guess you don’t have to finish if you don’t want to.”

I didn’t. TY high school me for pickin’ the ones who can’t pucker a butthole.

Letts 6s showers are nasty

During my freshmen year I had sex with a guy on my floor and after he left my room I heard movement, and my best friend was hiding under my roommate’s sheets and was there the entire time.

I had pretty bad sex with a guy on my lofted bed in my freshman triple. As if the fact that he barely lasted 5 minutes wasn’t embarrassing enough, he tried to be cool and hop off my bed and ended up spraining his ankle.

One word sex horror story: MICRO-PENIS



That’s it for Part One… Stay tuned for Part Two, and don’t forget we’re still accepting responses. Unfortunately.