Dating sites have become the new norm for finding love in our tech-driven society. Despite the debate about “not meeting the real way,” it’s increasingly popular due to its convenience and specificity.
As popular specialized sites such as “Christian Mingle” and “Black People Meet” arose, the market began to narrow for those who prefer certain demographics. They’re becoming so specialized, however, that some of them just get a little weird.
SO in honor of the Rival’s sex week, I searched out and made accounts on some of the most specific dating websites I could find.
Since this is basically a research experiment, I had to set up my procedure:
Find 4 obscure dating sites and create a profile. Using a fake name (Emma Langston, I’m very creative) and fill-in the blank bio for consistency purposes, navigate the site and try to find a good match. Base criteria on three crucial aspects of a successful dating site: notable sign-up info, outreach methods, and messaging convenience.
The websites I chose were FarmersOnly (farmer love), Clown Dating (clown love), Vampersonals (goth love), and Mullet Passions (mullet love).
My profiles followed the following template:
Tagline: Just a _____ looking for _____
Bio: Hi I’m Emma! I’m a _____ I enjoy _____, _____, and _____. I’m looking for someone who likes _____ and _____. Message me if you think we would be a good match!
Username: farmgirl16789039 (they didn’t let me get very creative)
Tagline: Just a crop looking for her plow
Bio: Hi I’m Emma! I’m a peach farmer. I like harvesting, a good tractor ride, and waking up before the sunrise. I’m looking for someone who likes home cooking and sticking it to the city slickers. Message me if you think we would be a good match!
Tagline: They wouldn’t let me have one, but it definitely would have been “Just a balloon looking for her animal”
Bio: Hi I’m Emma! I’m a birthday party clown. I enjoy receiving squirt gun flowers, rubber chickens, and the greasy feeling of my skin after I take off my face paint. I’m looking for someone who likes big red noses and scaring small children. Message me if you think we would be a good match!
Tagline: just a vampire looking for her coffin
Bio: Hi I’m Emma. I enjoy eyeliner, neck kissing, and platform shoes. I’m looking for someone who likes living on the dark side and discussing the eternal darkness of the afterlife. Message me if you think we would be a good match. (this one was the most true out of all of them)
Tagline: just a mullet looking for her comb
Bio: Hi I’m Emma. I’m a mullet enthusiast. I enjoy dandruff fighting shampoo, the feeling of a fresh cut, and Billy Ray Cyrus. I’m looking for someone who likes businesses in the front AND parties in the back. Message me if you think we would be a good match!
Round 1: Profile info
FarmersOnly’s sign-up process was pretty cut-and-dry (crop pun?) and I wasn’t too impressed with their personal info. I guess not much else matters other than what kind of farmer you are, as this was the category with the most in-depth options:
To make myself seem more interesting I lied and said I grew fruits and vegetables, but I guess I’m just a farmer wanna be. “If you wanna be my farmer, you gotta get with my hens”?
Clown dating didn’t have too much to offer either. There weren’t any clown-related questions whatsoever which disappointed me because I wanted to learn more about the varieties of clowns out there. Aren’t clown websites supposed to be funny?
Since I’m lowkey a freak when it comes to vampires, I was excited to start up on here. I’m really looking for my Edward Cullen. Vampersonals was actually more-goth related than anything. When I got to this point of the profile set-up, I had to take a break and google all the different types of goths listed to find out which one I am.
The results showed that I am, in fact, not very goth at all. I’m glad I got to learn about CorporateGoth and MopeyGoth, however. From now on when anyone asks me how I’m doing I’m just going to describe my state of being with goth terms.
Mullet Passions was way too overwhelming. They had categories for pretty much everything, and each one of those categories had lengthy and detailed options. I give them credit for their ~relatable~ sense of humor, though.
I’ve really never had a dating site ask me if I was a nark before. S/O Mullet Passions as well for being the only website who was trans-inclusive!
Winner: Mullet Passions
Round 2: Flirting
FarmersOnly had a very tinder-esque flirting option, which was really convenient. Thumbs up or thumbs down–very straightforward. I was able to get through plenty of corn-husk hunks in no time.
Niall, is that you?
Clown Dating was pretty much the same, giving you the option to flirt or pass on each person. Clown dating had the most attractive people which I actually least expected.
Now every time I see a clean-cut man in a suit, I’m definitely going to be at least a little suspicious that he is indeed a clown in his free time.
Vampersonals got kinda saucy with their “winking” feature. I couldn’t help but actually physically wink every time I sent one. They also had a “private note” section which made it easy for me to organize who was hot and who was not.
Mullet Passions had the most options, but at what cost? They get pretty creepy. If someone with a mullet slapped me or threw cold water at me in real life I would call the police rather than going out with them.
I was pretty well-liked on FarmersOnly for a simple city slicker. I got 13 messages, but only could see 3 of them from people who had premium accounts. Why tease me like this, FarmersOnly? They’re not very friendly to people who are browsing on a budget. What if the person I’m meant to ride off into the sunset on a tractor with is a message I can’t see?
Not to toot my own unicycle horn, but I was pretty dang popular on Clown Dating. I got 38 messages/flirts and I could see every one of them. This website certainly does not clown around.
I felt personally attacked when I didn’t get any messages from Vampersonals. Disqualified. Blocked. Reported.
Nobody on Mullet Passions liked me either I guess, but at least they referenced me to their extensive network of dating sites to try and find another interest to find love through.
I’m definitely trying Celibate Passions and Trucker Passions Next.
Winner: Clown Dating
Well folks, that concludes my journey through the world of niche dating websites. The moral of the story is that you can find love almost anywhere, even in the strangest of places.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a hot date with a suave gentleman named Bobo.